What Happened Six Years Ago

I haven’t talked to anyone about this. I felt like I needed to keep it hidden, because I was ashamed of how bad our marriage got.

Six years ago, in 2012, was a horrible year for Chase and I. During that year, Chase and I fought a lot, and it was more than just occasional disagreements that typical couples have. I was angry and uptight all the time, and unfortunately I took it out on Chase.

We had been struggling to have children for 3 years at this point. Chase and I have never used the “D word” (divorce), and we told each other we never would. Sadly it was brought up a few times that year.

I didn’t know how to cope with infertility, and even kind of denied that it was infertility. Chase told me I needed to see a doctor to help me with anger/depression issues. I went to my general practitioner to see if I could be referred to a counselor. He was also going to put me on some bipolar medicine. I tried it for a few days, and it made me ridiculously drowsy. And I hated it. I hated that feeling, so I stopped taking it, because it wasn’t worth it for me to feel that way. I was going to try other things to help with that.

I went through LDS Family Services, and met with a counselor named Fufan. She was a masters student through BYU, which made it a bit more affordable. I met with her for several months, and our sessions started helping. She had me do a few different things to help funnel the anger and frustration I was feeling.

She then wanted me to bring Chase in, and discuss our marriage, and try and work out our differences. Chase of course was reluctant, but I somehow convinced him it would in turn help me.

I think a lot of men are reluctant to see a counselor, they feel they aren’t the ones causing the issue, but in a marriage, it’s a joint effort.

So things were getting better as the months with Fufan went by, but things between Chase and I still weren’t 100% back to normal.

Chase left on a business trip the week after Thanksgiving. When he came back he distanced himself to me, and he even wrote me an email of all the things he was tired of. So I walked on eggshells for about a month, trying to make an effort, because I refused to let our marriage end up like my parents.

New Years Eve, Chase and I got invited to a party our upstairs neighbors were having. They even asked us to help teach everyone the Cha Cha. I don’t know what happened during that month, but New Years Eve was a turning point for our relationship, and that’s when things gradually started getting better between us.

I’m not sure what prompted the need to share this part of my infertility journey, but if anything here’s the takeaway:

  • If you are feeling frustrated or angry towards being diagnosed with infertility or even in your marriage. Please, please, please seek a counselor. They can give you the tools needed to help make a change. I know several of them, who do online infertility counseling. Shoot me an email if you want their info!
  • Know that you aren’t alone in suffering depression, anxiety, anger in relation to infertility. Going through something this traumatic can really put a damper on you and all of your relationships (friends, spouse, parents, etc).
  • If you are struggling in your marriage, talk calmly, and don’t blame the other person. Don’t use words like YOU and WHY. Using WHY puts people on the defense.

I’m also going to leave you with a few books I recommend (I’m not an affiliate for them, they are my favorite):

Feeling Good by David D. Burns
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
I Don’t Have to Make Everything all Better by Gary and Joy Lundberg


Don’t forget to check out my Etsy Shop! I’ve got a few new infertility related shirts!

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