Things that are Don’t be Bitter be Better
There was a Sister who gave a talk in church, and one of the things that I remember from the talk is that when praying to the Lord we sometimes will say “okay, do what you can,” but then He comes back and says “no, do what you can” meaning that we need to do our part before we receive blessings from him.
Chase and I have been doing our part in our infertility journey. We have done infertility testing, we were in a clinical trial to see if taking “men’s prenatals” helps sperm, we have done 3 rounds of IUI’s, we have gotten blessings for healing and comfort, we have people praying for us constantly (and praying ourselves), we have been fasting, and reading our scriptures.
Yet, I sometimes think the Lord wants us to wait. I’m not sure why, but He does. Maybe we need to grow a little more or be a little better rather than being more bitter.
I have heard countless stories from friends and family saying that, “this person tried this and got pregnant” and “this couple started filing for adoption and got pregnant,” but for some reason I have a really hard time believing them. They are probably all true, but I haven’t personally met another infertile couple who has had that happen to. It doesn’t give me hope for getting pregnant with other people’s success stories. I know that those who share them with me feel that it will give me hope.
Those stories sometimes make me feel like I’m not doing my part, or that we should stop trying all together. We have tried lots of things to try and get pregnant. In all honesty, adoption costs a lot of money up front, and I don’t feel mentally ready to help foster kids.
I’m doing my part, but just in a different way, because this is what I feel I need to do.
I’m not ready to quit or give up hope – that’s just not who I am. I am one who fights the long battle that has been given to us. Just like I don’t give up when I am running a race. The way that I get hope is different than those stories shared by loving friends and family.
In the past I have been a very negative person about our infertility journey. I went through a 4 year period in my life where I was bitter. I was bitter and angry at God, for giving this trial to us. I wanted to be a parent, I wanted to have that joy of seeing that double line on a pregnancy stick and to share that joy with Chase. That wasn’t happening, and I was bitter at everyone who got that joy, and I still had to wait, and I blamed God. Realizing that I wasn’t happy and that I felt like Chase and I were growing apart wasn’t helping. I needed to do something about it. I learned that I needed to be happy, like NEEDED to be happy or else Satan would have an eternal hold on me. I learned that I HAD to forgive myself, AND before I forgave myself I HAD to forgive God.
I had a turning point where forgiveness happened. I was an adviser to our young women in my ward. The young women secretary was teaching on Christ’s atonement. She had us read in The Book of Mormon, Alma 7:11-13.
That is how I get my hope, is having faith in God. He is the eternal creator, he can give life and take it away. I have to put my trust in Him 100% in order for things to change.
The pain of hurtful comments, pregnancy announcements, invitations to baby showers and a broken heart, are all SO real. I’ve felt them all, deep in my heart. I’ve never experienced that pain before, until going through this battle called infertility. I’ve learned that I am doing my part, and that I can be less bitter and more better with Christ. I’ll leave you with a great quote from someone who inspires me day to day:
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